The first time I heard this song I think I was still half asleep; I registered what it was but I couldn't have hummed it back afterwards. The second time I heard it I was driving to Nottingham and it made me cry. I kind of feel as if Kanye West is a person who I really know because he has let me read his diary since I was about fifteen and I am so glad that people realise how amazing he is at making music and using words. I'm really proud that he has gotten to a point where he is able to create all the things he wants and I am as happy for him becoming a father as I would be for someone who is an actual real-life friend. I haven't got a baby and my mama is still alive and kicking but the sentiment of this song went in through my ears, travelled right through me, and made water fall out of my eyes as if it were my own emotion.
Kayleigh came round on Saturday because she asked me what I was doing and I said I was going to dye my hair and move my room around. The day before I had accidentally bought a massive bag of carrots so I said it would be helpful if she wanted to have a carrot-based meal. She scoffed at this but then suggested how great it would be if I had some coriander so that we could make carrot and coriander soup. I HAD ALSO RECENTLY ACCIDENTALLY BOUGHT A MASSIVE BAG OF CORIANDER! If that doesn't convince you of the presence of a benevolent, omnipotent deity then I don''t know what will. it was delicious and I had fun trying to describe a handheld stick-type blender.
fun fact: when we were in college we nicknamed a small boy a few years below 'Crouton' because of this crimp. One day he kissed Kayleigh on the mouth unexpectedly and made her late for English Lit.
I liked Whiplash; I don't know if it is a film about pursuing a passion or a film about perfecting a skill or a film about teaching or a film about drums or a film about being single on purpose or a film about having a quarter-life crisis; I suspect it aimed to be all of these things.
I liked the main character because although he was vulnerable he wasn't totally 'oh I'm just a poor stoop kid' and he wasn't even an underdog because he was so talented. I enjoyed how normal his face was and my favourite part was when he mouthed 'fuck you' near the end, because that teacher was a (well-intentioned) control freak (with arguably risky counter-productive methods) and it is good for people like that to be knocked speechless every once in a while.
There are more reasons than these that 2014 was a great time; mostly because I made a conscious decision to chill the fuck out and not try to achieve anything but just enjoy life. in tarot terms, it was my hermit year and it was much needed.
I bought a car called Ralph. I saw this photo and I just loved seeing it so I bought a sticker and recreated it in my own life. I didn't really have any bad days in 2014, at least none that I can remember (so they can't be that bad)
I went to the Peak district with Kayleigh and Joe. We climbed on rocks and did yoga on the edges of cliffs and found a rope swing and chatted in stone circles and climbed to the middle of a huge tree that had fallen across a river at the bottom of a gorge and just sat there for ages. 'sitting on that tree on that gorge' was one of my favourite times of my life.
I finally went to experience the Summer Solstice at Stonehenge and it was SO! GREAT! I went with Kayleigh, Holly, Joe, and his friends Wayne and Dan. Wayne didn't really know what was going on and Dan got arrested but I got hypnotised by drums, high-fived FunForLouis, saw a guy who looked loads like Bez, who even had maracas (it was him - he had his new teeth so it took me a while to realise) and spoke to a man who said that when he goes to a festival he brushes his teeth with sparkling water 'for a treat'. After the sunrise we snoozed on the grass just next to the stones.
From Stonehenge we drove down to Weymouth and I got really sunburned which is technically bad but something of an achievement in England in June so I didn't mind so much. I fully swam in the sea which is an even bigger achievement. We camped for another night on the beach and realised that we had spent 48 hours outside; it felt lovely.
My friends Holly and Mike had a baby called Emelda who is destined to be one of the coolest humans OF ALL TIME. She is the first baby I ever met/held; she stared at me for a bit and then we all went to the seaside. I paddled in the third separate part of the sea this year and was just so happy about the whole situation. I visited again a few months later and (finally) went to Chester Zoo. I bought a mug with a glowworm on that says 'I'm On Fire' and it's so tragic and I love it so much.
In September I went to Newquay to go surfing; I booked with a surf school basically at random and it turned out to be the greatest thing ever. I thought I was really shit at surfing but as it turns out, I just had shit teaching in Portugal because these guys were really good and lovely and hugged me when I left. I drove all the way home with bare feet and salty hair and my happiness lingered for a good month afterwards.
On Christmas Eve I went to the pub which is always filled with people who are home for Christmas. I saw my friend Dan and he said that I once told him not to be concerned about time passing, because you could be doing a really shit job for a year but in your autobiography it would only be half a sentence, and he remembers it whenever he feels like he's not sure where his life's at. It made me so happy because I am always spouting this kind of thing but I assume people either won't remember it or just think I'm a pretentious twat.
Nanny (mum's mum) died this year and I was kind of fine about it. It was sad that she wasn't going to be around any more and it's odd to think I'll never go inside her house again, things like that, but I know that someone doesn't stop existing when their body finishes living and it doesn't mean any less of my love is beamed to her. it's just what happens; earlier in the year I had read Slaughterhouse Five and 'so it goes' became even more true. I was more worried about my mum because, that's her mum! but she was so incredible and I wrote in my parents' Christmas card that I was really proud and inspired by how they handled their mums' lives ending and owned the sadness. Even my Dad gave me a hug about that!
Things which made me feel like a bit too much of a Yuppie this year: visiting friends for a weekend and staying in a hotel not on someone's floor, buying £30 tinted moisturiser, living on my own in a flat in a converted factory (I mean seriously), booking tickets for me and my mum to go to see a show (it was a t-rex based musical and it was amazing), buying an expensive handbag, using a Cath Kidston holdall when I go to yoga at the fucking gym. I don't really like being a yuppie, I hate staying in hotels and I do like eating the lunches from M&S but I prefer cooking the night before with the radio on. I only wash my hair once a week so maybe it balances out.
Sunday I got up, did a cake, made bacon sandwiches, went out into the wilderness which is so close to my house that it makes me giddy and amazed every time I go back around the wide blank paths which are so familiar to me. But there is always a different way to turn and a new sunset to see. Every time I catch the sun blinking through trees or glowing onto reeds I want to take a photo. But then all my photos look the same and they still are only a memento of the sights forever stored in my MIND PALACE and the happiness which is saved for a rainy day (literally)
Also here is maybe a portal into another dimension? Like I'm not being funny but: